The Tekken Christmas Special
by Caligula II
Summary: A Christmas special dedicated to the video game we know and love. Tekken!
1. Kazuya's Crazy Idea

**AN: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas. **

**I know it's some time away but I better do this before someone else thinks of it.**

**This fanfic is a Christmas and New Year special for you from your very own Caligula II. **

**Forgive me if I don't know some carols by heart. I'm not a native English speaker, ya know.**

**Don we now our fighting outfits, while I tell of Tekken misfits.**

**R&R.**

**I do not own Tekken.(snif) **

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Twas the night before Christmas, and all throughout the houses, not a creature was starving, not even a ..._Kangaroo?_

Roger and his family were celebrating in their house. Ah... the friendly spirit of family Christmas.

Next door, their neighbour, Kazuya Mishima was checking up his heavily decorated manshion.

"Tree, check! Plastic Santa (or Father Christmas if you are not American), check! Christmas feast, check! Tekken snowglobe, check! Mistletoe, check! Father Christmas hat and beard, check! Happy family... uhm...Shit! I forgot that again."

He made the Kaz-is-pissed-off face.

"Let's see. Who can I invite? My dad? Hell no! That old fart threw me in a ravine and an active volcano! Lee? No way Jose! Jun? She's just gonna brag about me getting rid of the Devil. Jin? Forget it! He hates me! What should I do?"

And Kazuya sat down and started crying. He cried and cried.

"How can I make everyone like me?" he asked through tears."Why do I have to suffer? All I wanted was love!"

After some time however, Kaz stopped crying when a mysterious voice called at him:

"Kazuya, Kazuya."

"What?" turned Kazuya."Who's there?"

"I am the spirit of Christmas spirit."

"Yoshimitsu! If it's you again, I swear I'm turning you over to the cops!"

"I am not Yoshimitsu."

"Than who the hell are you?"

"I have the Santa gene. I am Carol."

Kaz was now confused. The Santa gene?

"Okay? Whatchu want, Carol?"

"I want to be allied with you Kazuya. I can give you a happy family, Kazuya."

"Now you're talking. What should I do?"

"Just relax and breathe."

Kaz immediately relaxed and started to breathe. Then, Carol the Spirit of Christmas Spirit swooped into him.

Kaz statred to feel a little different. Then he started singing:

_Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la._

_Tis' the season to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la._

_Don we now our gay apparel, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la._

_Troll the ancient Yuletide Carol, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la._

After he was done singing, he started laughing like a lunatic. He laughed for about a minute and as soon as he was done, he announced to the empty house:

"I know how to get my family back. I will do a Christmas TV special. It will have worldwide transmition, and I will announce my love for all my family in front of the entire world!"

After a self-asuring laugh, he rushed to the phone where he called an old associate of his.

"Hello." said a voice across the line.

"Gill!" shouted Kaz. "It's Kazzy, you remember?"

"Hell yeah."

"Hey, Gill. I need this big favor. You still in the TV buisness?"

"Yup."

And so Kazuya, or Kazzy Carol as he called himself now, explained his idea to Gill and Gill accepted.

* * *

**AN: Yeah, this is the first of many chapters to come. **

**Merry Christmas and happy New Year. **

**A big happy face for all of us.**


	2. My Dad's on TV

**AN: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.**

**Good news people. I finaly learned how to speak with a General American accent. My fantasy has come true. I am Agent Smith. Now all I need is a Desert Eagle handgun and the ability to replicate myself over people.**

**After that, there will be no one to stop me! (evil laugh)**

**Ahem. I gotta stop doing that

* * *

**

Jin, Xiaoyu, Hwoarang, Asuka, Steve and Julia were hanging out at Jin's house. They decided to celebrate Christmas togehther and share the Christmas spirit.

At the moment, Everybody was watching TV except for Steve and Julia who were "feeling the spirit of Christmas" by making loud noises while making out.

"Dude, would you please shut up. We are trying to watch a movie here!" said Jin after a loud plunger-like noise resulting from the breaking of the vacuum bethween Steve's and Julia's lips.

"Oy. A bloke can't feel the spirit of Christmas around you, ya cruds." said Steve in his trademark English accent.

"Hey Jin, what did you get me for Christmas?" asked Xiao flirtingly.

"I got you this." Jin got out a big wrapped up present out of nowhere and gave it to Xiao.

"Yayyyyy! I got a big present!" Xiao was dancing around with her present as she settled to tear the wrapping paper apart. When she opened it...

"Yipppeeeeeeeeeeeee! A Giant Stuffed Panda! Jin I love you so much!" and she planted a big kiss on his cheek. After that, she proceeded to hug her toy panda in a very childish way.

Jin sniffed, cursing the Namco idiots for assigning Xiao to be his girlfriend. He eyed Steve and Julia snogging and sighned.

"What did you get me for Christmas, Bob?" asked Asuka.

"Asuka! How many times do I need to tell you? My name is Hwoarang! If you can't say it right, just call me Blood Talon!"

"Okay, Blood Thingy. What did you get me for Christmas?" Asuka was now kinda angry.

"Uhm... Yeah..." Hwoarang started sweating a little. "Wasn't Christmas about love and togethernes and Christmas cheer?"

"Nope. It's about presents." said Jin indiferently. Xiao was running around talking to the toy panda in rapid Mandarin.

"Well?" demanded Asuka.

"Uhm... I think I left it in the kitchen. Jin. Are you gonna help me find it?"

"Yeah." Jin obviosly just wanted to get away from Xiao. He and Hwoarang left for the kitchen.

"So, Steve." said Julia bethween two kisses. "What did you get me for Christmas, darling?"

"Wasn't Christmas 'bout lovin' and understandin' one another?"

"Yup." said Julia. "And I like the lovin' best." and they proceeded with further exchange of germs.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Jin and Hwoarang were looking for Hwoarang's present. Jin than straitened up and watched Hwoarang looking for anything in particular. He cocked his eyebrow.

"Dude, it's obvious that you don't have a present for Asuka. Now would you stop fucking around and confess it!"

"And get my teeth knocked out? No way Jose! Now help me find something!" and he returned to searchig the kitchen.

"What did you find so far?" asked Jin without moving a muscle.

"Only these socks and a beer can." said Hwoarang while lifting the said objects.

"Dude, those socks are my mom's!" said Jin. Hwoarang then threw the socks on the oven after which it exploded.

"Fuck! My mom's gonna kill me when she gets back!" (Jun was out celebrating with her friends) shouted Jin and proceeded to kick Hwoarang's butt which he did. "Now get on this floor and clean this fucking mess!" he ordered the bruised Korean.

After Hwoarang was done cleaning, creating an even bigger mess than originaly, Jin lifted him up and shouted in his face.

"Now you're gonna go to the gift shop and buy Asuka the most expensive gift you find! Capiche?!"

"But I'm broke, dawg." said Hwoarang in a weak voice. Jin then twisted him around, causing him to squeal like the bitch he is.

"Then you're gonna get on that damn bike of yours get money from Baek! Capiche?!" shouted Jin as he threw Hwoarang out through the window. Hwoarang got on his bike and hurried towards Baek's dojo, farting in the process.

Jin turned in Devil Jin and tried to use his laser to clean up the mess, but it accidentaly lit Hwoarang's fart gas and caused a gas explosion.

Meanwhile, in the living room, Asuka was watching TV by herself. Julia and Steve were still savouring the "spirit of Christmas" and Xiao was now having a tea party where she introduced the toy panda to her other toys.

The show was a Christmas special featuring a guy named Kazzy Carol. Then, she recognized him.

"Jin! Jin! Come quick!" she shouted.

"What now?" asked Jin as he entered the living room.

"Your dad's on TV!"

"What the..." Jin leaned closer to the TV where Kazuya Mishima was hosting a Christmas show under the nickname "Kazzy Carol". He was wearing a Father Christmas hat, a red blouse and purple pants.

"Welcome everybody to the first annual "Christmas with Kazzy Carol"." announced Kazzy. "Hello and merry Christhmas." the crowd cheered.

"Have I got a show for you tonight. It's filled with suprises, guests, gifts and Christmas spirit." the crowd cheered again. Jin couldn't beleive his eyes. His dad, a world-known bad-guy was a silly Christmas host?

"And before I call our first guest," proceeded Kazzy. " let me introduce, Kazzy's Little Helpers!"

And in that moment, a dozen or so JACK-5 robots dressed as elves marched around Kazzy. They were decorated with mistletoe and candy canes.

"Aren't they beautiful?" said Kazzy in a very stupid way. "And now, let us give a Christmasy welcome to our first guest."

Jin's jaw dropped. Something had to be done.

"Guys! We gotta get to my dad's place!"

"Why?" asked Asuka

" 'Cause he's trashing my reputation on naional TV!" said Jin as Asuka pulled on a knowing face.

"And why do WE have to come?" she asked with a lifted eyebrow.

" 'Cause you're my mates." said Jin, trying to reason with them.

"Okay... No coment." said Asuka as she went to pick up her shoes.

"What about you guys?" Jin asked Julia and Steve who were still not tired from making out. They broke of the long-lasting liplock.

"Sure, man. Anything for Christmas love." said Julia.

"Okay. Xiao?" asked Jin, turning his attention to Xiao who was now dressing her dolls with her new toy panda.

"Wets ask Mistew Jin if he wants some tea, Panda Jr. Mistew Jin. Wouwd you wike some tea?" asked Xiao in a babylike voice.

"Xiao! Quit fucking around! Are you coming or not?"

"Is thew gonna be a Santa at uncwe Kazuwa's?"

"Yes, there is gonna be a Santa." said Jin, obviosly frustrated.

"Oh goodie! Wets go to uncwe Kazuwa's!"

"C'mon everybody! I'm driving!" declared Jin.

"Wait a minute!" exclaimed Asuka. "Where is Hworirang?"

"He's...uhm...Master Baek is sick and he has to see him. Yeah, right. There is even a fanfic on that. It's called Life of Baek. Some Scottish girl wrote it." said Jin unconvincingly.

"O.K. It sonds stupid, but Hwoarang is stupid so..." Asuka was kinda confused.

"Forget that. C'mon, get to the car."

And so they rushed over to the car and headed in the direction of the manshion of Kazzy Carol, formerly known as Kazuya Mishima.

* * *

**AN: Ho, ho, ho.**

**Hope you like it.**

**Just in case you didn't notice, there is an extremely obvious Easter Egg.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Life of Baek. **

**In case Wait-for-Sleep reads, please understand that this thing isn't ment to insult you. It's here because I respect you as a writer and a person.**


	3. Would You Love a Monstergal

**AN: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.**

**I was busy acting this week so I couldn't update efficiently.**

**Again, a big happy face to anyone reading this.**

**

* * *

**

In Kazzy's manshion, he was welcoming his guests.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Let us welcome a most exelent guest." (applause from the crowd)

"Thank you folks." he said. "But our guest is a whole bunch of guests! A whole band! Let us welcome them!"

And as the crowd cheered, a platform started to rise, with the sounds of a heavy metal song.

_The saints are crippled_

_On this sinners' night_

_Lost are the lambs with no guiding light_

_The walls come down like thunder_

_The Rock's about to roll_

_It's the Arockalypse _

_Now bare your soul_

_All we need is lightning_

_With power and might_

_Striking down the prophets of false_

_And as the moon is rising_

_Give us the sign_

_Now let us rise up in awe_

_Rock'n'roll angels, bring thyn hard. __Rock Hallilujah_

_Demons and angels all in one have arrived_

_Rock'n'roll angels, bring thyn hard. __Rock Hallilujah_

_In God's creation supernatural high_

At that point, the platform was fully risen and the guests visible. They were dressed up like monsters.

Kazzy sang along until the song was finished after which he started clapping and the crowd started cheering.

"Bravo, bravo!" exclaimed Kazzy. "So ladies and gentlemen, I give you LORDIII!"

More cheering from the audience and some inhuman screams from Lordi.

"But the real surprise is: Lordi have a new member!" said Kazzy to some more happines of the crowd.

"Yes folks, on her new position as female vocal, I give you, TRUUUUUUUUUE OGRRREEEEEEEEEEEE!"

True Ogre was a crowd's favorite so everybody screamed their throaths out. Meanwhile, True Ogre was positioning herself on the couch along with the rest of the band.

"So, T.O." said Kazzy in a stupid way. "What motivated you to be into showbiz?"

"Well, I like so totaly knew that this is the buisness for me." said T.O. in a manner similar to Cher Horovitz.

"So super gnarley!" exclaimed Kazzy. "Anyways, Lordi, why did you accept T.O. in the band?"

"Well..." started Mr. Lordi in a monsterous voice. "We appreciate the worthy efforts of fellow monsters. And, there are very few monsters lately, tell you the truth."

"Yeah" continued Awa. "And even less girl monsters. We just couldn't have left poor T.O. on her own.

"But tell you the truth, guys, " said Kazzy in a worried way. "Don't you think that the horns are a little cliche?"

At that, T.O. started crying and started to exhale fire after which the band members comforted her with a group hug.

"Aww... Let's not cry on Christmas eve." said Kazzy in a Christmasy manner. "C'mon. Let's get a Christmas hat for T.O."

The JACK elves immediately brought a Christmas hat which T.O. donned and started exhaling fires of joy. After she was done with the pyroshow, the band settled again on Kazzy's couch.

"So guys, I've been hearing a rumour that you guys are gonna transfer into a country rock band." said Kazzy as the audience gasped.

"Well..." Mr. Lordi was sweating a little. "Now that you mention it, we will do it. In fact, we are transforming today, all thanks to you, Kazzy."

And that very instant, the band transformed into cowboys , and Mr. Lordi's axe turned into a shotgun. They now had benjos instead of guitars and a violin instead of a keyboard. Only T.O. remained the same becasuse she was a real monster.

"Check me out, y'all!" said Awa while she examined her new pink dress.

"Great! Y'all look so great now!" shouted Kazzy, but was interupted by a JACk elf

"Boss, you've got mail." and two other JACK elves came in carrying a truck full of letters. They dumped it on Kazzy's head and he was smashed.

After a while, Kazzy crawled from under the truck and kicked the truckdriver out.(he was still in the truck).

Next, he began opening the letters.

"The first one looks nice and warm. Oh, I'm so glad people send me fan mail already." he said with a whinsical smile. "It must be the Christmas Spirit. Okay. The first letter.

You are a sick and horrible person! How dare you turn Lordi into a country rock band! I hope you get stuck in Limbo for the rest of forever!

Signed: Disgruntled Heavy Metal fan."

"Hm..." Kazzy scratched his head. "Unusual, but, let's see, letter #2

You pig! You svine! You think that you can mutilate our favorite band?! I'm coming over with an AK-47 to murderize you, you sick Christmas dork!'"

Kazzy stared at the letters in disbeleif. And then it hit him.

"This is hate mail! People hate me!" he started crying. "Somebody get me tissues!"

"Hey boss," said a JACK elf. "We've got an angry mob outside."

"What mob?" he thought for a minute and immediately shouted. "I didn't smuggle booze, honest and for truly!"

"Not that mob, boss. The angry mob."

"Ah, that mob." he paused for a little, before... "AAAAAA! They're gonna murderize me with AK-47s! Heeelp!" he turned towards Lordi. "Guys, you gotta change back into heavy metal!"

"No deal, partner" said Mr. Lordi with a southern accent. "We have a little ol' deal with a little ol' producer who wann's us."

"An' I always wanted to be a southern belle." said Awa.

"I think I've gone an' hurt my lil ol' hand." complained Kita.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Kazzy. "People, it wasn't me. I didn't do this to Lordi. I just wanted everyone to have a happy Christmas. It wasn't my idea. It was..." he scanned the studio for a scapegoat. "GILL!!! Yeah. It was Gill!"

The camera turned and Gill the TV Corporate Honcho came into view.

"Gill wanted to destroy Christmas! But we'll stop him. Elves, attack!"

The JACK elves seized Gill and threw him through the window to the angry mob.

"The man who just flew out of the window tried to destroy Christmas and countryrockafy Lordi!" shouted Kazzy at the camera after which the angry mob beat up Gill and left the manshion.

Seeing that the angry mob was gone, Kazzy continued.

"And now for our second guest, but first, a word from our sponsors."

Meanwhile, Jin and the gang were stuck in trafic, because some crazy bear was threathening to commit suicide if some crazy panda wouldn't marry him.

"Awe we thewe yet?" asked Xiao.

Jin looked upwards and mouthed something that looked like "Why me?".

* * *

**And so the story continues.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lordi or Hard Rock Hallilujah.**

**Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.**


	4. Sugar Rush

**AN: Ho ho ho.**

**I am writing this chapter with a Father Christmas hat on.**

* * *

As Kazzy was recovering from the attack of the angry mob, his old dad was watching him on TV.He felt ashamed that his son had single-handedly countryrockafied the most popular heavy metal band in the history of forever. 

"How dare he embarase my name! GRRRRRRRRRR!"

He reached for his phone and dialed.

"Hello. I would like to place an order on one Kazzy Carol. To be rubbed out as soon as possible."

The gal on the other side was a skilled assasin who would have Kazzy sleepin' with da fishes in no time.

Meanwhile, Jin and the gang were still stuck in traffic. The crazy bear was gone but now, some crazy cyborg was trashing the city and some crazy ninja was trying to slice him in half for murderizing his entire clan. To top all, some crazy American with a skyscraper hairstyle was asking people whether they were alliens. Bethween two chaingun runs and a "Bring it on, ya alliens!", Xiao asked:

"Awe we thewe yet?"

"That's IT!" shouted Jin, suddenly losing it. "No more driving and fucking around! I am turning into Devil Jin and flying over to my dad's!"

And he changed into Devil Jin and started flying. While he was flying, a helicopter howered by and a cop with a loudspeaker said:

"Pardon me sir, but do you have a flying licence?" said the cop with a Texas accent.

Jin halted in midair and scratched his head. "Uhm... Nope." he made a you-caught-me-red-handed-but-I-am-not-a-bad-guy face

"Then I am forced to arrest you. You have a right to remain..." but Jin burned down the helicopter with his laser and flew away. Within minutes, the entire airforce was on to him.

"All units, we have an airborne suspect fleeing. Possible DUI , over." said dispatch.

Jin was shot down and some FBI looking guys carted him off. They frisked him and found some weed.

"That's not mine." said Jin as they slapped the cuffs on him.

Meanwhile, Kazzy was welcoming his guest

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Please welcome an exelent guest who is the crowd's favorite. Marsaaaaaaal LAAAAAW!"

Marshal Law A.K.A. The Fighting Chef waved to the audience and sat his ass down on Kazzy's couch. Kazzy sat down at his side and welcomed him.

"Marshie. Let me first welcome you to our most wonderful Christmasy show. How do you do?" said Kazzy, leaving Marshal with an is-this-guy-gay face.

"Uhm... yeah." said Marshal.

"We were so totaly hoping that you would cook something Christmasy for us. Ya know, being a supercool cooking guy. Hey!" exclaimed Kazzy, suddenly changing the subject. "Is it true that guys who cook are gay?"

Marshal was caught totaly of guard by this crazy question.

"Uhm...no." he responded with a very-obvious tone of his voice.

"Come on, it's safe to come out, we understand." said Kazzy in a comforting way.

"Dude, I'm not gay! I got a wife and a son. Duh!" said Marshal, obviosly annoyed.

"Okay..." Kazzy paused to get the message. "So, are you gonna cook something for us?" and he made the pretty-face-with-sugarlumps-on-top face.

"Uhm...yeah."

"OKAAAAAY!" shouted Kazzy with joy as the crowd applauded. "So, Marshie, what are going to cook for us?"

"Well... I was thinking to make you Honey Snowmen." said Marshie... I mean Marshal.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy!" Kazzy was doing his happy dance and the crowd cheered.

"But I'm gonna need a counter and a stove." said Marshal in a buisnesslike fashion.

"No problemo, hombre!" said Kazzy as two JACK elves transformed into a stove and a counter respectively. After they were done, Marshal donned a chef's hat and Lordi started playing characteristic food show music.**(AN: Lordi are still there and countryrockafied)**

"Okay, today I will show you how to make... Honey Snowmen." said Marshal. "You will need:

1.Honey

2.Wheat Flour

3.Sugar

4.Candied Fruit

5.Milk

6.Chopsticks"

The crowd applauded.

"First, you take the flour and mix it with the honey. Use your hands to shape the concoction into dough." more applause from the crowd. "When you have created a solid mixture, form the dough into small round balls." said Marshal as he did everything he said by now.

"Next, you put the balls into the oven and let them bake until they become hard and brown." said Marshal as he did that and the crowd applauded. "Now take a separate bowl and fill it with milk. Put the sugar in and mix until you get an even concoction. Then get the balls out of the oven and pour the milk over them. Careful not to lose too much milk." he did all that and the crowd applauded.

"Now than, stack the whitened balls in snowmen of three balls. Use candied fruits to make hats and noses for the snowmen. Stabilise with chopsticks, and voila, Honey Snowman." the crowd applauded at the little snowmen that Marshal had created.

"Super totaly too AWSOME!" shouted Kazzy. "Can I try one of those?" he asked.

"Uhm...Duh!" said Marshal.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAY! Merry Christmas peoples! Snowman!" shouted Kazzy as he devoured the snowman.

After that, he started looking a little red in the face and started speaking very fast.

"Hola, senorita. Mi corazon es muito neuroso para ti. Para siempre ponsere niade pera qui. Se Gringo se la mujeras. Solo ke Cornjolio viva Mexico. No hablo Espanol..." after which nobody could understand him. (**AN: Okay, I don't speak Spanish, shoot me.)**

Kazzy had a very crazy look in his eyes. He drew out dual six shooters out of his pockets.

"Okay. Which one of you Gringos wants to Tango with me?" he asked with a Mexican accent. He eyed Marshal and immediately got softer. He started singing:

_Amigos para siempre, you will always be my friend_

_Our relationship is no longer romance_

_Frinds for life amigo now that you are here_

_Amigos para siempre_

_Amigos para sieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeempreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee_

Marshal managed to get away via the fire escape before Kazzy hugged him. Meanwhile, Kazzy was busy flirting with the crowd, trying to get people to Tango with him.

"That's enough, hombre." said Mr. Lordi with a Texan accent. "We're gonna have a lil' ol' showdown now, just like in the ol' days."

"I accept your chalenge, pendejo." said Kazzy in a Mexican accent. After that, they took their positions and Lordi started playing the "showdown music" of the ol' west.

Kazzy had his six shooters and Mr. Lordi had his ax-turned-shotgun. They sweated a little and finaly drew. Mr.Lordi hit thin air and Kazzy hit his shotgun, causing him to drop it.

"Victory!" shouted Kazzy. "Never forget the Alamo, huh pendejo?"

The JACK elves were running around. One said:

"The boss has gone Espanol again!"

"Somebody get a frying pan!"

The JACK elves hit Kazzy with a frying pan, restoring him to his former self. He managed to get up.

"Uhm... We'll be back after these messages."

Meanwhile, the FBI looking guys took Jin to an interogation room where they were questioning him about the ilegal flying and the weed.

"I told you, the weed is not mine!" shouted Jin.

"Of course it's not." said the top FBI looking guy.

* * *

**AN: Merry Christmas one and all.**

**The recipe is not to be tested at home! Do not, I repeat, not, try this at home!**

**I don't know Spanish.**

**Happy Christmas**


	5. Sleepin' With Da Fishes

**AN: Hola, muchachos. I hope you liked the previous chapter.**

**So, with Christmas only a few days away, time to start getting serious and write more often.**

**More often means that I will update every day, if possible.

* * *

**

As Kazzy was recovering from his sugar rush during comertials, Jin was stuck in the interogation room with the FBI looking guys.

"I'm telling you, the weed is not mine!" shouted Jin.

"Yeah... right." responded the top FBI looking guy with a smirk as he adjusted his sunglasses.

"It's not!" said Jin and used his laser to BBQ the floor.

"Mr. Kazama, calm yourself." said again the FBI looking guy. "We understand the pressures you are under and we will not press charges on the marijuana claim. All we need you to do, is confess your involvement with drugs and we let you go."

"Realy?" asked Jin.

"Yeah. Ready to make a statement?" asked the FBI looking guy.

"Okay." said Jin and wrote a confession on a piece of paper.

"Good." stated the FBI looking guy. "Now will you kindly assist us with something."

"Wait a fucking second! You said that you'll let me go!" said Jin with an angry voice.

"We lied. Now you will help us." said the FBI looking guy.

"And what makes you think I will?"

"I know that you will help us, Mr. Kazama, because the alternative is a very long time in prison." the FBI looking guy paused, as if to savour what he was about to say. "Remember that we have a signed statement from you, describing your involvement with narcotics in our possetion."

"Okay," said Jin, looking defeated. "What can I do you for?"

The FBI looking guys exchanged knowing looks through their sunglasses and the top FBI looking guy spoke again.

"We have found out that a Kazuya Mishima, a former fighter and now a Christmas TV special host, has become inexplicably erratic. He is a threath to national and global security." the FBI looking guy paused to take a deep breath. "We have discovered that he has stolen a squadron of JACK-5 units from Area 47.009, a place where most government technologies are developed. It's location is classified, for obvious reasons."

"Okay, what's that got to do with me?" asked Jin.

"Do not play dumb, Mr. Kazama. We simply need you to infiltrate Mr. Mishima's manshion, which you, as his son, will be undoubtedly able to do."

"Uhm...Okay." said Jin. "I was going there anyways."

"It appears that you have finaly gotten cold feet, Mr. Kazama. Here, take this earpiece." and the FBI looking guy gave Jin an earpiece. "We'll keep in touch."

"One more thing guys," said Jin, obviosly wondering if this was a smart move. "Do you have names or something."

The FBI looking guy looked unimpaired by this question. "I am agent Smith. These are my associates, agents Brown and Jones. We belong to the FBILG."

"What is FBILG?" asked Jin.

"FBI Looking Guys." said agent Smith and turned tail.

Jin exited the building and said to himself:

"Smith, Jones and Brown. Fucking original."

Meanwhile, Kazzy was in the studio, fully recovered from his Espanol state.

"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Before we welcome our next guest, let's play a game, in order to guess their name." announced Kazzy.

"Okay, now. People from the audience, try to guess our next guest by the following information." said Kazzy as the crowd put on their battle faces, screaming like Vikings in the process.

"Our guest is a strong military commander of a deadly Special Force."

"Uhm..." said a guy in the first row, " Craig Marduk." after which everybody booed and the guy got hit with a sledgehammer.

"Wrong. Next, they like Vodka, like many of their countrymen."

"Uhm..." now said someone in the back. "Lili." again booing and a sledgehammer.

"Wrong. Our guest has a sniper rifle named after them."

"Uh... Uh... I know." said a fat guy in the 12th row. "Sonny Corleone." and all of a sudden, everybody in the audience pulled out sledgehammers and pummeled the fat guy.

"Wrong. Now, without further ado, let us welcome, Sergeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeii Draaaaaaaaaagunnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooovvv!"

Everybody cheered and waved their sledgehammers in the air as Dragunov stepped onstage. Kazzy applauded and was too busy greeting Dragunov to notice a blonde woman pointing her gun at him. She fired, but Dragunov, seeing everything, jumped in front of Kazzy and took the bullet.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" moaned Kazzy as he saw Dragunov fall to the ground. "Who did this?"

"I did." said the blonde woman as she pulled an assault rifle out of nowhere and tried to murderize Kazzy. But Kazzy dodged all the bullets and managed to get the rifle away from the woman before she could reload.

"Now calm yourself. What is the meaning of this?" asked Kazzy.

"I'm Nina fuckin' Williams and I have orders to fuckin' put you on ice, ya fuckin' prick." said the woman with a New Jersey accent.

"Okay, who sent you?" asked Kazzy

"Fuckin' Heihachi, who do ya think? He wanted ya sleepin' with da fishes, capiche!"

"But why? I tried to get us together, this show is for my family. Give peace a chance!" said Kazzy and started crying.

"Pull yourself together, ya fuckin' baby!" said Nina and pulled him up.

"Why, Nina? Why do you kill people?" asked Kazzy through tears.

Nina laid down on the couch and Kazzy sat in a nearby armchair like a therapist would.

"It all started with ma childhood," started Nina. "Ma ol' man was always a mobster an' I become a hitwoman."

"Uhm-hum... And, how do you feel about it?" asked Kazzy while taking notes.

"And ma mom... She always loved ma bitch sister better than me. And other kids bullied me cause I was smart." at this point Nina broke into tears.

"Come on, I'm sure it was nothing bad." said Kazzy reasuringly, but Nina continued.

"And than ma old man got iced and I had to take over the buisness." she cried more intensely now.

"I see..." said Kazzy. "It seems that if you want to overcome your problem, you must make peace with your sister." he stated with a Germanic accent.

"It's true, it's all true!" Nina screamed through tears. And immediately, Anna ran into the studio and the two of them hugged and kissed and promised each other to never fight again. On their way out, however, Anna tripped on a banana skin and blamed Nina for it. They got into a dustcloud fight and got away.

"Love is in the air, folks!" said Kazzy and everybody went soft when Lordi started playing "Love is in the Air".

Dragunov stirred a little and said:

"Can somebody get me a doctor, I got shot ya fucking Americans!" after which everybody pummeled him with sledgehammers and the JACK elves got him to the hospital.

Meanwhile, Heihachi was watching the show and decided to make peace with Kazzy.

"I now love my son more than ever!" he proclaimed. He got into his car, but got carjacked.

Meanwhile, Asuka and the gang were still stuck in traffic. Now some crazy cop was fighting a crimelord on top of a moving bus.

"Awe we thewe yet?" asked Xiao.

* * *

**AN: I know, totaly retarded.**

**But Merry Christmas.**


	6. The Old Crowd

**AN: So, Christmas eve. I actualy need to rush this thing, but I reckon it will be done before New Year.**

**As always, Ho ho ho.**

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As Jin was nearing his dad's manshion, he was having second thoughts about helping the Agents. Having your reputation trashed by your dad on national TV was one thing, and busting his ass on national TV was another.

"It's either this or 8x8 for the next 10 years." said Jin to himself as he entered Kazzy's manshion through the back door.

"Remember, this is for the country." said Agent Smith through his earpiece.

"Yeah, yeah." Smith was getting annoying with the patriotic stuff. Jin sneaked into the kitchen, when he saw Craig Marduk.

"Halt, tresspasser! You shall not pass through the mighty Craig Marduk!" he spoke his name in a god-like manner.

"Chill, dude. I just wanna see my dad." said Jin, obviosly not intimidated. Craig Marduk pushed it, however.

"What is your buisness here, mortal?" asked Marduk.

"Exactly what I was gonna ask." replied Jin.

"I am here as the bodyguard of Kazzy Carol. He's paying me big money to guard him and his manshion." Marduk was getting irritable.

Jin's earpiece came to life. "Deal with Marduk discretely." ordered Agent Smith. "Gotcha." Jin said back.

"Who are you talking to, wimpy one?" asked Marduk, again.

"To a little mouse in the corner, oh steroid and growth hormone pumped one." Marduk turned to find the mouse but as he had his back to Jin, the latter gave him a wedgie. Marduk roared in pain and punched himself in the face, breaking it in the process.

"That was discreet?" asked Agent Smith over the earpiece.

"Hey, I figured a swirlie would get the toilet dirty." laughed Jin.

"Stop your tongue-in-cheek and proceed with the mission." ordered Agent Smith.

"Okay. Okay. Sicko..." mumbled Jin as he proceeded to the studio.

Meanwhile, Jun was having fun in a local cafe with the "old crowd" from Tekken 2. There were Kunimitsu and Michelle. At the moment, they were discussing their love lifes.

"That prick Yoshimitsu, he was seeing Anna ever since Tekken 4!" spoke Kunimitsu angrily. "I can't beleive I didn't see that coming."

"It's like that with men." complained Michelle. "They use you and then throw you like an old sock."

"Speaking of socks, how are you doing with Bruce?" asked Jun.

"I caught him cheating on me!" Michelle was close to tears now. "And the worst part, snif, he was cheating on me with Raven!" and she burst into tears. Jun and Kunimitsu hugged her and comforted her.

"Men are pigs!" now Jun was shouting. "That Kazuya hasn't showed his face in years, Jin can barely remember him! He got me pregnant and left! I know I shouldn't have gone to that juice bar with him!"

"Yeah, and Yoshimitsu never came home from work! He always stayed late! And then I discovered that he was going to a casino, spending the money on poker and blackjack!" shouted Kunimitsu.

"And Bruce..." Michelle was chocking on her tears now. "He...he... he was in league with Ganryu. He wanted to set me up with that...that fat fuck!" and she started crying her eyes out.

"Screw them!" shouted Jun. "You know, I wish I could meet a man who is friendly, educated, refined, handsome and intelegent." she wished with a dreamy expretion on her face.

"Jun," started Kunimitsu. "That kind of men already have men of their own." after Jun broke into hysterical tears. "Aw come on. Screw men! Let's watch some TV."

The bar owner turned on the TV and immediately, Kazzy was on screen.

In the studio, Kazzy was welcoming his last guest, Santa Claus and his elf.

"...so please welcome, ol' Saint Nick!" shouted Kazzy and the crowd cheered. As Santa and the elf entered, anyone with half a brain could see that Santa was Ganryu in disguise and Yoshimitsu the elf. Naturaly, the people from the crowd had only a third of a brain alltogether and they didn't see a thing.

"So, Santa. How are things on the North Pole?" asked Kazzy as Ganryu and Yoshimitsu settled on the couch.

"Uhm... Cold." said "Santa".

"Do you get a lot of help from the elves?" asked Kazzy.

"Yup. Hey, what do you want for Christmas?" asked Ganryu. Kazzy blinked and acted like a baby.

"I wanna be with my famiwy." and he made a puppy-dogtail face.

"Were you a good boy?" asked Santa.

"Yes." said Kazzy, expecting Santa to pull out his family from his bag. At that point, Jin burst into the studio.

"Jin!" said Kazzy in delirium of happiness. "You are back! Come to Daddy." Kazzy was offering Jin a big hug.

"You must hug him." ordered Agent Smith over the earpiece. Jin hugged his dad after a moment of hesitation and was forced to endure a bone-crushing embrace and a series of extremely wet kisses on his forehead. After Kazzy released him, he stood back, for the first time 100 sure that his dad was a madman.

"Look at you, how big you've grown. And yer as handsome as yer old man." said Kazzy with a you-know-guy-thing face. "I bet all the ladies are killing each other to get ya." At that point a huge mob of silly girls with "I Luv Jin" t-shirts ran over Jin and they all killed each other.

"Come on, let's get some music going!" shouted Kazzy as Lordi started playing _Rock this Party_(Everybody Dance Now). After that, everybody danced until the song ended. After the song, Jin and Kazzy sat their asses down on the couch.

"Everybody, this is my boy, Jin!" announced Kazzy to a cheering crowd.

"Mr. Kazama." said Agent Smith over the earpiece. "You need to drop a communication beacon before we attack the manshion. It can be found in your pocket, concealed as a bobby-pin."

"Say hi to Jin, folks" said Kazzy as the crowd said "Hi, Jin."

"So, Jin. Have you brought your mom along " asked Kazzy.

"Uhm... Nope. She's with the old crowd from Tekken 2."

"We'll I'm sure we'll have a very Christmasy time, right Jin?"

"Yeah." said Jin and dropped te communications beacon on the floor while Kazzy was busy talking to Ganryu and Yoshimitsu.

Meanwhile, in the bar, Jun, Michelle and Kunimitsu were extremely angry.

"How dare that conehead lie to Jin! He doesn't even care about Jin! He only cares about his godforsaken Christmas!" shouted Jun

"And that fat asshole, he has the nerve to show up on TV?" shoted Michelle

"That canned piece of shit Yoshimitsu was supposed to be with the kids! He is on TV? I'll fucking murderize him!!!" they were all hysterical as they exited the bar.

"Ma'am. You forgot to pay your bills." said the bar owner, but Kunimitsu pulled out her daggers and murderized him.

"Men are pigs, swines, horses!" shouted Jun "I hereby propose that we form a society whose eternal mission will be to subside those testosteron-packed shitheads!"

"I agree!" said Michelle.

"Me too!" said Kunimitsu.

"Good, sisters. From now on, we are known as MESS!"

"What's that?" aske Michelle.

"Men-Exterminating Secret Society!" shouted Jun and they all headed towards Kazzy's manshion with _I Will Survive_ playing in the background.

Meanwhile, Heihachi was looking for a vehicle since he got carjacked. He saw a girl on a bike.

"Hey, girl! I'll give you 100 bucks for that bike!"

"Fuck off, pops!" said the girl.

"Uhm...500 bucks."

"In your dreams!"

"Come on. 10000 bucks."

"Okay... Deal." said the girl as she dismounted her bike and took the moneys. Heihachi got on the pink bike and rode off into the night.

Meanwhile, Asuka and the gang were stuck in traffic.

"Awe we thewe yet?" asked Xiao.

"Oy, ya crubs. A bloke can't live with all them automobiles honking." said Steve as he got out and smashed every car. Now the jam was cleared.

"You couldn't have done that earlier?" asked Asuka.

"I have gots me a girl to snog, ya dike." said Steve, feeling offended as he got back in the car. Asuka rolled her eyes and drove towards Kazzy's manshion.

* * *

**AN: Ho ho ho.**

**Merry Christmas.**

**Ah... I remember the days when Christmas wasn't all about shopping.**


	7. Can't We All Just Get Along?

**AN: Isn't Christmas lovely? I finaly decorated my tree today, feeling very happy in the process.**

**Anywhoo, Ho ho ho.**

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**

As Jin dropped the communication beacon disguised as a bobby-pin, a whole battalion of commandos stormed into the studio, coming in from every possible crack, including the sink.

"Kazuya Mishima! You are under arrest!" shouted the commander.

"Wait a darn minute." said Kazzy, obviosly confused. "Me? Arrested? What for?"

The commander pulled out a document and read from it:

"Breaking the fourth wall, software manipulation, breaking your contract with Namco, countryrockafying Lordi, theft of a JACK squadron, instigating riots, illegal name change, alchohol smuggling, being a dickhead, lying on television, grand theft auto, breaking of public order and enchouraging substance abuse." the commander stopped for breath before saying. "I am authorised to utilize lethal force to bring you to justice by the FBILG."

"Not the FBI Looking Guys?" asked Jin.

"The very same, young man." said the commander with a pitiful expretion. "I am sorry, but your father is an international criminal and repeat offender."

"You said that it was only the JACKs!" shouted Jin in his earpiece.

"It was necesary to keep you in the dark. It was for your own safety." came the cold voice of Agent Smith.

"You aren't a government agency, are you?" asked Jin irritably.

"As far as you are concerned, Mr. Kazama, we are your only hope of staying out of prison." answered Agent Smith.

"I ain't gonna sit and watch my dad get busted!" Jin was getting angry.

"Then you will be arrested as well, Mr. Kazama." and Agent Smith cut the conection.

At that point, Asuka and the gang burst into the studio and immediately located Jin. Xiao ran to Ganryu who was still dressed up as Santa and sat on his lap. He gave her a present and she kissed him, again and again. Steve took a sit on Kazzy's couch and continued his snogging session with Julia. Asuka walked up to Jin.

"Okay... we are here. Now what do we do?" asked Asuka.

"We fight the commandos." said Jin as if it was the most obvious thing on Earth.

"And why do we have to fight the commnados?"

"So they won't arrest my dad."

"I thought he made you feel ashamed."

"Well...Now that he's not a jerk, he's kinda cool." said Jin, looking admiringly towards his dad.

"You have one minute to surrender." said the commander. Just as he was saying that, the MESS members blasted the door apart with a surface-to-air missile and entered the studio armed with AK-47s.

"What's the matter, men?" asked Jun as everybody hid. "Wet your little panties?"

"Yeah, dickbrains? You wanna mess with us!" shouted Michelle.

"Say hello to my little friend, ya fucks!" shouted Kinimitsu as she dropped her AK-47 and pulled out a rolling pin. "There ya are, ya fucking pinhead!" she shouted as she found Yoshimitsu and pummeled him with her rolling pin.

"Sister Kunimitsu! Return to your possition!" ordered Jun. "Now all of you male fucks back off and all the girls and women are free to tag along with us!" everybody did as she said exept for Steve and Julia who were still making out.

"Get your hands off my daughter you fucking man!" shouted Michelle as she yanked Julia away from Steve and hit him on the head with a rolling pin.

"Julia, oh Julia!" lamented Steve in a melodramatic way.

"Steveo, oh Steveo, where art thou, Steveo" lamented Julia in an even more melodramatic way.

"Shut the fuck up, ya testosteron-crazed sex-addict!" shouted Kunimitsu as she hit Steve with her rolling pin.

"Hey, you, dickhead!" shouted Jun to the cameraman. "Turn that camera over here!" The guy oblidged, trembling as Jun began to give MESS's manifesto to the world.

"Our goals are noble! Our goals are simple! Our goals are for the women, by the women and set by women! We fight for female dominance of this planet, so that we might forever be free of the testosteron-packed rule of men!" spoke Jun like a real politician.

"Soon, every man in the world will tremble before our fierce insignia!" added Michelle.

"Pardon me ma'am," said one of the commandos. "but isn't your insignia a crossed out penis?" after which the MESS members went wild and murderized all the commandos.

"Wait!" Kazzy spoke in a begging voice. "Isn't this world based on equality? Aren't we all equals, brothers and sisters alike? Why should one sex dominate the other? Why should only one spouse wear the pants? Why there have to be patriarchs and matriarchs? Can't we all just get along?" now he was speaking with tears in his eyes. "I am willing to cooperate people, for the sake of Christmas and love. Don't be a hater, mon." he finished with a Jamacian accent and everybody got sentimental and hugged each other.

Kazzy got up and started crying with happiness. Then he turned to Lordi.

"Guys, I was wrong to countryrockafy you. Go back to heavy metal." and Lordi immediately turned back into monsters.

But then, the three agents, Smith, Jones and Brown entered the room and pulled out their Desert Eagles.

"Mr. Mishima." smirked Agent Smith. "You are under arrest." and he and the other Agents fired at Kazzy but he stopped their bullets by simply raising his hand.**(AN: If you can't imagine that, it's like Neo does it in the Martix)** The Agents stopped in suprise and as they were preparing to reload, Heihachi entered the room via the door behind the Agents and colided with Smith, sinking into him and causing him to explode. The two other Agents ran away.

"So I finaly came." said Heihachi as he got up. "Not too bad if I consider I was riding a girl's bike."

He then hugged his son Kazzy and they continued with the show, together.

* * *

**AN: This is not the end, nope. **

**But I hope that this will be over soon and that I will get a lots of reviews from people.**

**Again, Ho ho ho, mon.**


	8. Merry Christmas Mon

**AN: Ho ho ho, I hope everyone who read the chapter was happy with it.**

**This is it folks, the final chapter, airing on Christmas day.**

**Feel the spirit of Christmas.**

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At the moment, everybody in the studio were in their happy place as Lordi were playing some heavy metal. Jun got up and proclaimed:

"I hereby disband the MESS. Our goal is now to live in peace and harmony with men." and everybody cheered and clapped. Kazzy than came over to Mr. Lordi and whispered something in his ear. Mr. Lordi gave him a thumbs-up and the band started playing _I Just Called To Say I Love You_ with Awa putting on sunglasses and waving her head around as she played the keyboard. Kazzy was singing, quite nicely and was looking strait at Jun.

When he was finished, Jun ran into his arms and they kissed passionatly.

"Jeez, get a room." said Jin. Asuka came up to him.

"Hey Jin, where is Hwowyrang?" she asked.

"Uhm..." Jin actualy forgot what he had said earlier. But at that point, Hwoarang bursted through the door on his bike, carying a wrapped present along with Asuka's name misspeled on it.

"Oy, I'm back, and I got your present." said Hwoarang, looking kinda shaken. Asuka took the present and started ripping the wrapping paper apart.

"Where did you get the money?" asked Jin.

"From Baek." answered Hwoarang. "But he made me do a buhzilion pushups and made me swear that I'll be nice to ladies."

"Serves you right. What did you get her?" asked Jin again.

"Oy, wait till she finds out I got her a..." but he was interupted by an inhuman scream comming from Asuka.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGHHHH! Hworyrang you prick! Did you think this is a proper gift?!"

"But it was the best..." Hwoarang tried to justify his actions, but was cut short by Asuka.

"A CRATE OF BEER IS NOT A CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU FUCKING IMBECILE!" and everybody looked in the crate's direction. It was a yellow crate with bottles of beer.

"But I thought..." started Hwoarang.

"You shouldn't think. It overloads your brain." stated Jin calmly as Hwoarang got his ass kicked by Asuka. Bathered and bruised, Hwoarang hid behind Kazzy's couch. After Asuka was done with him, he said:

"Hah, women. Nobody can understand them." after which, every female present exept for Xiao pummeled him with rolling pins. After they were done, he got up, and proclaimed:

"That's it! I've had enough of you bitches to last me for life. From now on, I'm gay and I don't want to see a woman again!" after which everybody looked at him in a confusing way.

"He's come out of the closet, folks!" exclaimed Kazzy. "I want you to know we all accept your decision and recognize your right to be gay." ha spoke energeticaly as everyone gave Hwoarang a reasurring Viking-like roar.

As they were congratulating Hwoa on coming out, a massive interdimensional vortex opened and a skeleton dressed up like Santa Claus stepped out.

"Hey, look!" said Heihachi. "Santa!" and everybody turned towards the skeleton.

"No way this guy is Santa. He's skin and bone." said Kazzy. "Well, only bone." he continued as he ran his finger over the skeleton's spine.

"Eh, mon. Lay of the vertebrae." said the skeleton with a Jamaican accent.

"Who are you?" asked Jin.

"I am, The GRIM REAPER mon. Muahahahahaha!" said the Grim Reaper as he laughed in an evil manner.

"So, whatcha doin' in Santa's suit, Grim?" asked Kazzy.

"Oh, that. Santa was doing Amsterdam when he got wasted, mon. Somebody slipped crack in his milk and cookies. So I'm just fillin' in mon."

"Oh..." thought Kazzy. He was about to ask something but Xiao cut him short. "Awe you Ms. Cwaus?"

"Muahahahahahaha!" laughed Grim. "No, no, child. I'm the Grim Reaper, death incarnate. When I come, it's game over, mon. Game over."

"And why do you have that big candy cane?" asked Xiao again.

"It used to be me scythe, but with the Christmas spirit and everithing..." Grim was cut short by an alarm clock. "Ah, gotta go mon. Here are your presents." as he gave everyone presents and dissapeared in the interdimensional vortex.

"Merry Christmas mon!" shouted Kazzy after him as everybody opened their presents. after everybody was done, Kazzy turned towards the audience. "Well peoples, it looks like our time together is at an end. But don't worry, we'll see each other again next Christmas and have a merry time again." and then somebody threw a tomato at him.

"Merry Christmas one and all!" shouted out everybody in unison and True Ogre did a pyroshow while Lordi played _We wish you a Merry Christmas_.

Epilogue

Jin and Steve were standing outside Kazzy's manshion. Kazzy got carted off by some orderly-looking guys to a place where his Santa Gene would be regressed, namely, a lunatic asylum.

Jin and Steve were making BBQ and singing BBQ carols.

_We wish you a cheesy burger_

_We wish you a cheesy burger_

_We wish you a cheesy burger_

_And a mug of cold beer_

"Oy mate, another burger." said Steve, flipping a burger.

"Can't let all thet beer of Hwoarang's to go to waste." said Jin as he emptied a beer bottle.

"What happened to ya pop back there bloke?" asked Steve.

"I don't know, but he gets like that during holidays."

"Oy, if he's like that on Christmas, imagine him on Valentine's day." said Steve as Jin looked up, terrified.

"Dude, we are so fucking murderized!" he said with a grave voice.

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**AN: That's all folks, Christmas is over. Ho ho ho and everything else.**

**I thank all the folks who took the time to reviev including mirrors of ilusion, Wait-for-Sleep, SepirothBeatrix, Boomshakalaka and everybody who read this fanfic.**

**Caligula II loves you folks and wishes you Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and I would also like to thank everybody who writes about Christmas and Tekken.**

**Also, a quiet thank you for the good people of Namco for their gift for us, the one and only Tekken.**

**Now make a happy face and make a wish.**


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